I recently started following an Instagram account with Manager Tyler. He’s hilarious because he embodies everything a manager lacking empathy would do. It seems like even the scripts he’s been given by HR don’t work. This begs the question, “Can empathy be taught?” The short answer? Yes, people can learn empathy. But let’s be clear: empathy typically isn’t a script or a set of prescribed actions you follow to appear understanding. It’s much deeper than that.
Empathy is about understanding what another person thinks, feels, and believes. It’s trying to step into their world, understand things from their perspective, and acknowledge their experiences as valid and real. This brings me to a coaching model I teach, which uses cognitive behavioral techniques based on the . In this model, the coach asks scripted questions—not to overtly display empathy, but to gain insight into the mind of the person being coached. This may seem at odds with the idea that empathy goes beyond scripts and as if I just contradicted myself. Before you give up on me, let me explain how the process works and its intended goals.
The GROW model stands for Goal, Reality, Options, and Way Forward:
Goal: Gaining clarity about the goal of the conversation before launching in with advice or directive reduces the chances of misunderstandings. It ensures that both the coach and the person being coached are aligned on what they aim to achieve.
Reality: In this phase of the process, the coach digs deeper to understand what has happened, what the person has already tried, and what has or hasn’t worked. There’s even a question about how others perceive the issue. This section is where empathy is built—by truly understanding the person’s current situation and the various factors influencing it.
Options: Here, the coach encourages the person to brainstorm all possible options before offering any advice. By the time the coach provides their insights, they are more informed and better positioned to offer meaningful support.
Way Forward: This phase helps determine the actionable steps to move toward the goal, fostering clarity and commitment.
What’s key here is that the coaching process is not about the coach trying to build rapport or connection in superficial ways. Too often, people try to do more than just ask questions and listen—they over-talk, feign interest, or try to force a connection. And people can read right through that. The structured approach of the GROW model provides a framework for understanding without the need for inauthentic attempts at connection.
So, yes, empathy can be taught, but it isn’t about memorizing lines or performing empathy. It’s about developing a mindset of curiosity, openness, and genuine concern for others. Even in a structured coaching setting, the right questions can build your capacity in this area and open doors to deeper understanding. The process itself, when done thoughtfully, is a tool to help people reach their goals—free from the clutter of forced rapport.
Interestingly, practicing the coaching questions over time allows you to appreciate the wildly complex nature of human beings. You might find that your empathy muscles grow, but that isn’t the primary goal of coaching. The goal is to help people reach their objectives in their own way, with empathy building as a valuable side benefit. While empathy isn’t learned overnight, with practice, anyone can develop a more empathetic approach to their interactions. And sometimes, a structured approach like GROW can help create the clarity and focus needed to build that understanding.
Let’s move beyond scripts in our everyday lives while recognizing their value in structured settings like coaching. Because at the end of the day, empathy is ultimately not about script it’s about connection.
Empathy Beyond Scripts: What Coaching Can Teach Us
